Tuesday, 4 January 2011

Bumping Uglies?! *contains adult language*

Why do so many people frown upon the word 'Sex', yet favour slang words like 'Bumping Uglies'?
I mean seriously, what's so wrong with sex?

I hate the mushy, 'romantic' terms like 'Making Love' too. You can't 'make love'. You either have it, or you don't.

I cringe every time I hear those words muttered, either in real life or on T.V. Does anyone really find the words 'Let's make love' in any way arousing?

We seem to live in a culture now, where you have to have fun when having sex. When I say fun, I don't mean enjoyment, because, of course, sex has to be enjoyable for the both of you (or more, if that's your thing) What I mean by fun in this respect is 'a giggle', 'a laugh', 'a joke'.

I don't get it!

If Drew were to strut up behind me one night while I'm in the middle of the washing up and whisper seductively in my ear "Do you fancy a game of 'hide the sausage'?" I can honestly say that it would not put me in the right mood at all, in fact quite the opposite!

I'm not prudish (as some people seem to think), but I don't like childishness in these grown up situations.

I spend my days with four young children, wiping snotty noses and shitty arses, when it comes to 'grown up time' I want it to be just that. A clear distinction, not baby talk, silly rhymes or stupid slang. I want adult company, and adult conversation and adult play in the bedroom.

I don't mind lovey dovey, long slow seductive kisses and hot breathless encounters, in fact, that's great, as long as all the ridiculous clich├ęs aren't tagging along for the ride.

Then there's the fabulous 'Mummy Sex' aka the quicky before the kids come home/wake up/wonder where you've snuck off to for 5 minutes, which requires no 'funny business' as there simply is no time. It's all about the lust, and the need to be an adult for those few brief moments.

Dirty talk is fine, in fact it's encouraged, as is role play, dressing up and the like.It makes things a little more exciting and grown up and fun (in a proper sense of the word!)

Maybe I'm old before my time? Maybe I'm just desperately craving some adult interaction at the end of my days with the children? But is that so wrong?

So teenagers and you, if you prefer, can keep the slang phrases:
'Shagging', 'Bonking', 'Potting the pink', 'Humping','Banging', 'Boning' and 'Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow' because, somehow, none of these words get my pulse racing..


  1. I am giggling because I so get it!!! Sometimes I want to scream "Please try to seduce me!!"

  2. Looking at this from a different angle:-)...about 10 years older, no kids yet and no sound partner really but lots of practise...
    I do understand what you mean and don't disagree. On the other hand all day long you are the adult with four kids! So humour, having fun and play that leads to/or having sex is...fun and very much adult interaction.

  3. "Do you fancy a game of 'hide the sausage'?" << PMSL!

    Brilliant post!

  4. You do make me smile.

    Perhaps I'm a rare woman, I don't know. I do think about sex quite a lot (not every seven seconds though...) and when I think about sex it rarely contains words. Which is why when I came to write about sex recently I had a really hard time (no pun intended) trying to describe it. Like you I hate the silly names people use to describe such an intimate and beautiful act, I also wince at ‘making love’ and other ‘purple prose’ as one writing website put it, I don’t hate it though it’s better than ‘bonking’!. Being able to write about sex so it appeals to others is a huge skill, I’m working on it.

    I’m not beyond a giggle though, should the moment take me, the husband and I have been known to collapse in a fit of laughter en flagrante (see that wording doesn’t seem so bad – perhaps because it’s French...)

    Separating Mummy time from Woman time is critical; we are all such a huge seething mass of needs desires and emotions that if one of our needs is unmet it can put our entire life out of kilter. Your need for adult conversation and interaction is natural, I myself am a strict enforcer of the 7pm bedtime, I love my small people but I REALLY need me time at the end of the day – sometimes that is just a lack of noise or to talk about his day at work or getting the kitchen fitted, other times....

    Don’t get annoyed by people using slang to describe something they are obviously uncomfortable with, count your blessings that you are a balanced thinking, healthy woman who can express her needs and desires without feeling embarrassed or ashamed in any way.

    Of course when Drew approaches you doing the washing up he probably doesn’t need to say anything at all, in fact it’s better if he doesn’t – actions always speak louder than words.